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Overall total postings: 2006
3116 Andrew 2018-08-14 02:03:20
Darling Ned, you evoke so much that I empathise with you, especially the melancholy sense that with the passing years, Anno becomes ever more of a feeling than a memory beautifully put and so very true.

Ive always felt that your loss is necessarily greater than mine, if only because you will (hopefully) have to bear your grief long after I too have become more of a feeling than a memory.

How Anno loved you, and how proud he must yet be to have you as his brother.

Xxxx
3115 Andrew 2018-08-14 02:02:18
3114 Andrew 2018-08-11 19:19:07
3113 Mama Beee 2018-08-10 17:58:07
Oh dearest Ned. What a day for you...
Love Mama. xxx
3112 Ned 2018-08-10 13:05:41
Today is a strangely meaningful day for me. A while ago I worked out that this is the date
when Anno would have been gone for as long as I knew him. In other words it's been sixteen
years, 9 months, and 2 days, which is the age I was when he died. I try not to make too much of 'meaningful dates' anymore. I let grief come and go as it wills, and hate forcing myself to feel things on certain occasions or just because it's an anniversary. But nonetheless I must admit this one has played on my mind as it approached, and has meant he's been in my thoughts more than usual. From this day on his presence will be in less than half of my history. I have always feared the day when he is just a hazy memory from my distant youth; a vague presence in my mind. As he drifts into my past he seems to become more of a feeling than a person.

But that doesn't change how much I miss him, or how much he still informs what I do. It's so crazy to think that he was only twenty when he died... that seems so incredibly young to me now. But perhaps because of how ahead of his years he was, or just because of how ageless all of our true personalities are, I don't think he would be much different now. Probably a little calmer, less impulsive, and I hope, more confident and content, as most of us seem to get as we age. It's like there's a parallel universe I can see, where he's alive and now 38 years old, worrying about his evaporating youth like the rest of us. I feel he would still be essentially the same person I knew, and that helps me to feel that he is still in my life, despite the increasingly disproportionate years he hasn't been in it. I can hear him laughing at all the things I know he'd find funny, getting excited by a new album, or game, or cuisine, or a far flung place that he might be looking forward to travelling in.

I am in Thailand right now, in a little bungalow in a national park in the pouring rain, as it's the beginning of the wet season. It makes me feel close to him in a way, as I vividly remember his descriptions of being in Kerala with Andrew when they stayed in a national park jungle that sounded not dissimilar. Travel is another of those touch-stones where I feel he's still not far away, as I know he'd still be getting as much of a buzz out of it now as he did when he travelled when he was young. It makes me sad to think of all the places he didn't get to visit.

I think I'll go and spread some of his ashes in the jungle now. Though I've combined him with Rebel's for expedience's sake. Sorry Anno, there are only so many different sets of ashes a person can carry around before one has to start being pragmatic. It's ok though, as Rebel is good company, and would have liked it here too.
3111 Ned 2018-08-10 12:54:35
3110 Ned 2018-08-10 12:53:17
3109 Ned 2018-08-10 12:51:34
Testing
3108 Ned 2018-08-10 12:47:32
3107 Ned 2018-08-10 12:47:01

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